1st
A guy goes on holiday to the Holy land with his wife and her mother. Unfortunately, whilst there the mother in law dies. The couple make plans with a local undertaker to ship the body home but its going to cost four grand, or for five hundred she can be buried in the Holy land.
The guy says "We'll ship her home and bury her there."
"But why", asks the undertaker.
"Well mate two thousand years ago you buried a bloke here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take the risk."
2nd
An ugly guy walks into the pub with a huge grin on his ugly, spotty, warty face. The barman says "What you so happy about?"
"Well you know I live next to the railway, as I walked home last night I saw a woman tied to the rails, so I untied her and we went back to my place and, well to cut a long story short we made love all night."
"Blonde,"asks the barman.
"Dunno, couldn't find her head."
3rd
President Bush was visiting a primary school.
One class he visited was in the middle of discussing words and their meaning.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy"
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy"
One little boy stood up and offered "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a
tractor runs over him and kills him. That would be a tragedy"
"No" said Bush "That would be an accident" .A little girl raised her hand "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a "tragedy"
"I'm afraid not," explained the President "That would be a great loss"
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said.
"If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right, and can you tell me why it would be a tragedy?
"Well said the boy, "It had to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss
and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either.
4th
Two guys are stood in a pub drinking. One turns to the other and asks "Where you from?"
The guy replies "Bristol".
"Wow, so am I, whereabouts in Briz?"
"Patchway"
"So am I, which school d'ya go to ?"
"St.Marys."
"I don't belive this, so did I, When did you leave?"
"1979"
" Incredible,me as well."
The landlord turns to the barmaid and says "Its going to be a long night."
"why?"says she.
"The Johnson twins are drunk."
JOKE (s) So I don't get struck off 4 spamming the clubhouse
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bstardchild
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bstardchild
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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales rep: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a LAWYER. This time I know I'm gonna get SCREWED!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales rep: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a LAWYER. This time I know I'm gonna get SCREWED!"
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Tahrey1043
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Tahrey1043
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carmadaaron
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bstardchild
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This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants to raise chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it and buys the bird. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard. Before he lets him go, he decides to give the rooster a little pep talk. Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy actually seemed to understand! The farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is delighted. As he goes about his work, the farmer notices a commotion in the duck pen? sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! Randy gets all the geese.
By sunset the farmer spots Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer's starting to worry that his expensive rooster won'teven last 24 hours at this pace! Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead. Saddened by the loss of such a colourful - and expensive - animal, the farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, and now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says,
"Shhh, they're getting closer..."
Randy actually seemed to understand! The farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is delighted. As he goes about his work, the farmer notices a commotion in the duck pen? sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! Randy gets all the geese.
By sunset the farmer spots Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer's starting to worry that his expensive rooster won'teven last 24 hours at this pace! Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead. Saddened by the loss of such a colourful - and expensive - animal, the farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, and now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says,
"Shhh, they're getting closer..."
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bstardchild
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If you think you know your arse from your elbow - you can prove it with this on-line quiz
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.yorkhost.com/panos/webpages/ ... 0Elbow.htm
13/14 get in there
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.yorkhost.com/panos/webpages/ ... 0Elbow.htm
13/14 get in there
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bstardchild
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There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even
know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about.I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."
know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about.I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."
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bstardchild
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Trafalgar Revisited
"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye aye, sir."
"Hold on - that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"'England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability'... What gobbledygook
is this?"
"Admiralty policy, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had
the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors lest it be considered
racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to
steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's
policy on binge drinking."
"Good Heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed
ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of
water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We
must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
"That won't be possible sir."
"What?"
"Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they
said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Human Resources sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the
differently abled."
"'Differently abled'? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing
the disability card."
"Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-representred in the areas of
visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Heath and Safety won't let the crew up
the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too
much salt - haven't you seen the adverts, sir?"
"I've never heard such information. Break out the cannon and tell the men to
stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with
murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers
on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually sir, we're not."
"We're not??"
"No sir. The French and the Spanish are now our European partners."
"According to Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch
of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?"
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir.
You'll be up on disciplinary."
"You must consider every man's an enemy who speaks ill of your king."
"Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put
on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the
lash?"
"As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and there is a ban on corporal
punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it is to be encouraged sir."
"In that case, kiss me Hardy."
"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye aye, sir."
"Hold on - that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"'England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability'... What gobbledygook
is this?"
"Admiralty policy, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had
the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors lest it be considered
racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to
steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's
policy on binge drinking."
"Good Heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed
ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of
water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We
must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
"That won't be possible sir."
"What?"
"Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they
said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Human Resources sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the
differently abled."
"'Differently abled'? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing
the disability card."
"Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-representred in the areas of
visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Heath and Safety won't let the crew up
the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too
much salt - haven't you seen the adverts, sir?"
"I've never heard such information. Break out the cannon and tell the men to
stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with
murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers
on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually sir, we're not."
"We're not??"
"No sir. The French and the Spanish are now our European partners."
"According to Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch
of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?"
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir.
You'll be up on disciplinary."
"You must consider every man's an enemy who speaks ill of your king."
"Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put
on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the
lash?"
"As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and there is a ban on corporal
punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it is to be encouraged sir."
"In that case, kiss me Hardy."
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bstardchild
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APPLES & GRAPES
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top
of the tree.
Share this with other women who are good apples, especially those who
have already been picked!
And... Men?
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the sh1t out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top
of the tree.
Share this with other women who are good apples, especially those who
have already been picked!
And... Men?
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the sh1t out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.
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bstardchild
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Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only
question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
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bstardchild
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One-Question IQ test
A mute who wants to buy a toothbrush goes into a store. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think before you respond. The answer is below.
Do you have your answer?
One-question IQ Test answer:
>>
>>
He opens his mouth and says, "I'd like to buy a pair of sunglasses."
A mute who wants to buy a toothbrush goes into a store. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think before you respond. The answer is below.
Do you have your answer?
One-question IQ Test answer:
>>
>>
He opens his mouth and says, "I'd like to buy a pair of sunglasses."
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bstardchild
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A boy and his father are crossing the road and get knocked down. Both are injured, and taken to hospital.
When the boy is taken into the operating room of the hospital, the surgeon says. " I am sorry I cannot operate on this boy as he is my son"
Who was with the boy when he was knocked down. ?
Who was the surgeon who refused to operate. ?
Who thought it was his step father, or his priest.
He was with his natural father when he got knocked down.
The Surgeon was his mother
When the boy is taken into the operating room of the hospital, the surgeon says. " I am sorry I cannot operate on this boy as he is my son"
Who was with the boy when he was knocked down. ?
Who was the surgeon who refused to operate. ?
Who thought it was his step father, or his priest.
He was with his natural father when he got knocked down.
The Surgeon was his mother