JOKE (s) So I don't get struck off 4 spamming the clubhouse

[Si_GTi]

I couldn't possibly post all these jokes in here (lots of 'em) so, linkified, the 100 greatest jokes of all time, as compiled by Mr. Don Steinberg, for GQ, with just a slight US bias...

Still some crackin' jokes in there

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

[bstardchild]

A couple were invited to a w**k family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked,â€

[bstardchild]

One for the Farmers of this world...


A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that the artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn' take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

'Try again' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. 'No' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn'.

[bstardchild]

Ali G's interview with Elton John
>by BB Insider
>
>Selecta!
>
>This is a transcript of an interview in an upcoming Da Ali G show
>episode (Elton John is trying to stop the broadcast - can't imagine
>why?)
>
>Ali G: Alo! I is ere wiv none uver dan da batty boy of pop, John Elton.
>Respect.
>
>Elton: It's Elton John actually Ali.
>
>Ali G: Aiih, whatever. So John, is you always been a batty boy cause i
>erd dat you woz once married - although I also erd dat de missus was
>mingin?
>
>Elton: Well Ali if you mean have I always been gay then probably deep
>down I was but maybe fought it because in my younger days especially it
>was not socially acceptable to be gay.
>
>Ali G: Fer real, but when you was gettin' jiggy did you fink about
>people like James Dean and that Jonny Rottweiler who was tarzan so you
>wouldn't end up wiv a floppy or woz you trisexual and didn't care where
>you was stickin' Mr Biggy?
>
>Elton: Again I probably fought hard to convince myself I wasn't gay so I
>never had a problem maintaining an erection with women. I now know I am
>homosexual so I would probably struggle to get aroused with a woman now.
>
>Ali G: Wow, I fink I might be homosexual then cause Mr Biggy wasn't
>coming out to play last Saturday night although ma Julie says it woz coz
>I drank a bottle of Dan Jackiels and had about 6 spliffs. I fink it woz
>coz me Julie isn't very subtractive now in fact she's a dog.
>
>Elton: I think you're Julie was right - it takes one to know one.
>
>Ali G: Wot, is you saying me Julie is a batty boy? Nah the b***h won't
>take it up the exit hole, I've tried slipping it in a few times.
>Happarently Julie is too nice a girl for batty sex but she's not too
>nice for a threesome wiv me mate Dave - it woz wicked!
>
>Elton: Well a lot of women are not keen on anal sex just as I know some
>gay men who are not keen on it either. Just because you're gay doesn't
>mean that you have to like it - there are other ways to express yourself
>sexually with another man.
>
>Ali G: Eh? Like fellatilatio you mean or gaelic.
>
>Elton: Gaelic?
>
>Ali G: Aiih, gaelic. When batty boys lick each other.
>
>Elton: Sure oral sex is one way of pleasing a lover but sensual massage
>can be very enjoyable for example.
>
>Ali G: But dat is a bit rank innit - ah mean you need to lose your
>orange juice or what is da point? Anyways enough talk about homosapiens
>- I hear dat you spend killions of dosh every year on shopping. Is dat
>because you is a feminist?
>
>Elton: I do spend a lot of money on shopping yes but I wouldn't describe
>myself as a feminist.
>
>Ali G: But I thought dat all gay people were feminists?
>
>Elton: Eh?
>
>Ali G: Anyway, is you related to dat lefty comedian Ben Elton cause I
>fink he is rank.
>
>Elton: No, I told you before my name is Elton John not John Elton.
>
>Ali G: Cool, woz your parents spaced out when dey named you?
>
>Elton: No, that's not my real name but my stage name. Many performers
>change their names to try to sound more appealing to the public. Take
>Gary Glitter for example, his name is really Paul Gadd - can you imagine
>the same name selling so many records as Paul Gadd or me as Reg Dwight.
>
>Ali G: Nah, but I can imagine him taking some poor kiddies up the Gary
>Glitter coz he's a paedovile innit. Anyways, talkin of sickos - how's
>yer mate George Michael - I would never let my son go down on him the
>perverted bastard.
>
>Elton: Ok so George made a mistake - anyway I thought you said enough of
>the gay talk. I'd much rather you concentrated on another aspect of me.
>
>Ali G: Me know what you is saying, sorry Mr Elton. Ok then, does you not
>fink dat you looks rank wearing a wig? Ah mean you looked a total d*ck
>in the seventies wiv da shades but everyone looked like d*cks in da
>seventies.
>
>Elton: If you're going to insult me anymore I will walk out of the
>interview - I can put up with a lot but you're going too far.
>
>Ali G: Chill Johnny, no offence. Ok - you rewrote dat Candle in da Wind
>song when Princess Di got wasted, do you fink she was incinerated by da
>SAS on da Queens orders or do you fink it woz just down to dat p*ssed
>French c*nt?
>
>Elton: Really Ali, Princess Diana was a dear personal friend of mine
>whom I loved very much - I don't want to discuss it.
>
>Ali G: You loved her, but how could you if you is a batty boy? Is she a
>feminist or somefink?
>
>Elton: (Elton leaves the room)
>
>Ali G: Nil respect to da menstral batty boy of pop - some people is just
>too sensidine. It must be all da years hangin wiv da homosapiens and
>havin his batty bashed. Anyways I is off for some erbal remedy wiv me
>boyz westside.
>
>Boyakasha!

[bstardchild]

Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo by her driver.Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo by her driver.

Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hits the cow.

Slightly shaken up, the driver goes to see if the cow is alright. "Is it alright?" said Victoria Beckham.

The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head.
"No ma'm, it's dead."

"Well you were driving, you go tell the farmer what happened!"

So the driver goes off to the nearby farm.

A couple of hours later the driver came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.

"Oh my god, what happened to you?" Victoria exclaimed as she saw the driver.

"Well ma'm, the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave a kiss and their daughter made love to me"

"What the hell did you say?"

" I said,

I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and,











I've just killed the cow."

[bstardchild]

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this
one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road
carrying a big bundle of wire.

'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'

'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this
here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'

'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes
back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess
of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same
kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'

'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape --
I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'

'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes
back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his
eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in
his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid
comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'

'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy
willow.'

'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'

[Gra-GT]

I went on holiday last year to Spain. I flew with BA. It was the worst flight ever.


Throughout the whole journey he kept saying

"Hey Foool, I aint gettin on no plane!!!!!"

[Gra-GT]

Did you see in the paper last week about that Dyslexic kid that died in his sleep...........





He choked to death on his own Vimto!!!!

[bstardchild]

[bstardchild]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*cking fence wasn't electrified."

[bstardchild]

>The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
>
>"Hello."
>
>"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
>
>"Yes," whispered the small voice.
>
>"May I talk with him?"
>
>The child whispered, "No."
>
>Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
>
>"Yes."
>
>"May I talk with her?"
>
>Again the small voice whispered, "No."
>
>Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
>
>"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
>
>Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
>
>"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
>
>"Busy doing what?"
>
>"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
>
>Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
>
>"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
>
>"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
>
>In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The hello-copper just landed with people looking all over the place."
>
>Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated, the boss then asked, "What are they searching for?"
>
>Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: ."

"Me"!

[bstardchild]

Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly, "that was my pager" he said, "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm"
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "that was my mobile
phone, I have a microchip in my hand".
The Irishman felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone he
decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the
sauna and went to the bathroom. When returned he had a piece of toilet
paper hanging from his bum. The others raised their eyebrows and stared
at him. The Irishman glanced around behind and said.....b-jasus, will you
look at that, I'm getting a fax !!!!!!!!