OK, please forgive the somewhat difficult quote-unquote format and the continual shocked interjection. Did a bit of a nut whilst reading through. I'm sure it's not as bad as all that, but some of these things, I don't even know what they are!
GroovyCarrot wrote:
Head bolds + washers x10
Head gasket set x1 (all other gaskets are included in this, including cam cover bungs, valve seals etc)
Breather hose x1
Piston ring set of 4
More than 5 pairs of latex gloves - I got through a box of 50 in a week when I was meddling with mine

Vat of swarfega
easy enough.......
Con rod bearing set
a what now?
Main bearing set if you can actually get the crankshaft out..
i need to do this?!
I never managed as I stripped the heads of the oil pump bolts, something to watch out for..
...and is that likely to happen if i'm NOT removing the crank?
Lots of engine oil, you'll need to coat pistons and bearings in it before you fire it up first time. You'll want to change the oil after a few hundred miles though, so probably best not to use anything too expensive

Fair enough - tesco's 20w50 at about 80p a litre do the trick? (if not - can a diesel engine be run on it?

)
Timing belt if yours is due a change.. even if it's not, it takes about two minutes to change it with the engine out so might be worth doing.
Well it was done 15,000 miles ago if not less...... do have a spare one in the garage (bought it from VW but garage refused to fit it as they "couldn't rely on the source"!), still boxed, but might have had stuff spilt on it, will have to check.
Torque wrench
yep.. though i dont know if its any good
ratchet and t-bar
???
range of sockets between 10 and 20mm, big old socket for driveshaft ends (34mm? Off the top of my head - someone please correct me if I'm wrong)
the garage is a mess - i might well have some of these. maybe.
Splined socket bits for removing driveshafts
...driveshafts? so the gearbox has to come off anyhow? or are you talking full engine removal here?
and head bolts
they need splines?
Allen socket bits - much better than allen keys, and there are some tight allen bolts in there
well i've already got a
couple of those - you don't happen to know what size, by any chance?
Wooden / rubber mallet for knocking pistons into and out of the bores
yep...... somewhere
Piston ring compressor - I'll send you mine if you want, not like it's going to get any use for a good few months at least
doesn't come in the piston ring set then..... ok

.... tell us what postage might be, and if i lose my head and actually do this, i'll spring for it.
1/4" socket set, useful for getting at fiddley bolts
again there's a load of random ones in the garage - any idea on the size?
could probably make up a comprehensive set of it all, but it appears my dad's strategy used to be to just chuck everything back in the tool drawer without replacing it in the box... then chuck the box in afterwards half-full just to make things interesting.
Valve spring compressor if you're planning on rebuilding the head while you're at it.
do what now?
my head's hurting again
time for lunch. dive gear washing. tidying up. phone calls to make. groceries to get in. and maybe a trip to ikea for some DVD / VHS shelves. Got to try and make 70 discs and 70 tapes tidy, as right now they're just in piles in the lounge and mum will freak if she sees it (the Argos one i got was crap!)
if i go past GSF i guess i'll have to double check with them what their returns/restocking charge is.