The rules of playground football
Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2004 5:15 pm
BASIC APPROACH
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods; two playtimes and lunch time. Each of these periods shall begins shortly after the ringing of a
bell, and although a bell is rung towards the end of these periods, play
may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the 'bottle'
of the participants.
There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon
as the bell rings, known as 'poofs', through those who will hang on until
the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down their last of their
G&Ts and journey from the staff room, known as 'chancers', and finally those who will hang on until a teacher has to physically retrieve them, known as 'nutters'.
It is important in picking the sides to achieve a fair balance of poofs,
chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained
period of play is not totally nullified by a five minute post-bell onslaught
of five nutters against one.
The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is
in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.
PARAMETERS
The object of the game is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goal posts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather.
It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across
the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went ?over the
post? and is thus disallowed.
In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the goalkeeper.
The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards
etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has togo
before the pursuing defender gives up.
At free kicks the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of defenders
eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to 'yards' which
the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
TACTICS
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose 'according to circumstance' from e.g.
4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking
to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.
STOPPAGES
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen (or more likely been pushed) over.
Other Stoppages
1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is
negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument
to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt, to scale
the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play.
Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and
any others he claims it may have struck, or could have stopped it, before
disappearing into forbidden territory.
2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal
the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart.
3. Menopausal old bag, confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street
or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed,
ill-tempered, Tory voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array
of failures that has been her life to 9 year olds who have commited the
heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.
Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to
play with it properly".
4. An appearance by the ice cream van is usually recognised as a suitable
time to break off from the game and take refreshments. At this point in
time, the nutters are also allowed to partake in a ciggy break, while the
poofs take out their pineapple chunks and share them around.
CELEBRATION
Goal scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air, but making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.
A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25 yard rocket (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because 'it's not a full-size
pitch') will eleicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the
more magnanimous of the opponents.
However a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with
the tag 'fücking poacher' from the opposing defence. 'Fücking goal hanger'
is the preferred alternative.
Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into
the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down
to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.
REFEREEING
In the professional game, the match is officiated by a referee, assisted
by two linesman, however in the playground there is no referee, and foul
play is determined by gentlemanly conduct, and the honesty of the two parties involved. It is commonly accepted that the most vociferous of the two parties, who shouts, "you dirty b'stard" or "that was never a foul, you fücking cheat", generally is awarded the decision. In other circumstances it is usually standard practice that the decision is awarded in favour of the 'nutter' rather than the 'poof'
PENALTIES
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty taker, who will
defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one
more for a hat-trick.
In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may
defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the
ball-owner may be invited to take the penalties. Goalkeepers are often the
subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.
It is not unusual for the goalkeeper facing the penalty to put on a pair
of gloves, and ask the penalty taker not to take a 'toe-bunger'.
CLOSE SEASON
This is known as the Summer Holidays, when players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch and putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until everyone reckons it is as boring playing it as it is watching
it.
DURATION
While the professional game limits itself to 90 minutes (or often longer
if Manchester United are losing), the primary school game, particularly
during the close-season can last significantly longer.
It is not unknown for a game to kick off at 9am on a Saturday morning and not finish until 9pm the same night. During this period, players are allowed to leave the playing field as "me mum's shouting me", or "who wants a drink of water" are considered suitable reasons for short-term substitutions.
The number of players during this period can, subsequently, change frequently, with new players turning up usually being allocated to the losing side, and should the game get too one-sided, then swapping the best players for the fat, podgy asthmatic ones is a routine occurance.
In spite of the game lasting up to twelve hours, the possibility of extra
time is available should the losing team be made up of the best fighters.
This culminates in the losing team eventually drawing level, otherwise
the game may last till midnight, and the shout of "next goal wins" being
heard.
The 'next goal wins' rule only applies, though, when it is achieved by the
previously quoted 'best fighters' team. Otherwise the extra time rule continues.
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods; two playtimes and lunch time. Each of these periods shall begins shortly after the ringing of a
bell, and although a bell is rung towards the end of these periods, play
may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the 'bottle'
of the participants.
There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon
as the bell rings, known as 'poofs', through those who will hang on until
the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down their last of their
G&Ts and journey from the staff room, known as 'chancers', and finally those who will hang on until a teacher has to physically retrieve them, known as 'nutters'.
It is important in picking the sides to achieve a fair balance of poofs,
chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained
period of play is not totally nullified by a five minute post-bell onslaught
of five nutters against one.
The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is
in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.
PARAMETERS
The object of the game is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goal posts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather.
It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across
the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went ?over the
post? and is thus disallowed.
In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the goalkeeper.
The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards
etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has togo
before the pursuing defender gives up.
At free kicks the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of defenders
eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to 'yards' which
the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
TACTICS
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose 'according to circumstance' from e.g.
4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking
to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.
STOPPAGES
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen (or more likely been pushed) over.
Other Stoppages
1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is
negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument
to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt, to scale
the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play.
Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and
any others he claims it may have struck, or could have stopped it, before
disappearing into forbidden territory.
2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal
the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart.
3. Menopausal old bag, confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street
or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed,
ill-tempered, Tory voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array
of failures that has been her life to 9 year olds who have commited the
heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.
Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to
play with it properly".
4. An appearance by the ice cream van is usually recognised as a suitable
time to break off from the game and take refreshments. At this point in
time, the nutters are also allowed to partake in a ciggy break, while the
poofs take out their pineapple chunks and share them around.
CELEBRATION
Goal scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air, but making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.
A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25 yard rocket (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because 'it's not a full-size
pitch') will eleicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the
more magnanimous of the opponents.
However a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with
the tag 'fücking poacher' from the opposing defence. 'Fücking goal hanger'
is the preferred alternative.
Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into
the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down
to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.
REFEREEING
In the professional game, the match is officiated by a referee, assisted
by two linesman, however in the playground there is no referee, and foul
play is determined by gentlemanly conduct, and the honesty of the two parties involved. It is commonly accepted that the most vociferous of the two parties, who shouts, "you dirty b'stard" or "that was never a foul, you fücking cheat", generally is awarded the decision. In other circumstances it is usually standard practice that the decision is awarded in favour of the 'nutter' rather than the 'poof'
PENALTIES
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty taker, who will
defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one
more for a hat-trick.
In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may
defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the
ball-owner may be invited to take the penalties. Goalkeepers are often the
subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.
It is not unusual for the goalkeeper facing the penalty to put on a pair
of gloves, and ask the penalty taker not to take a 'toe-bunger'.
CLOSE SEASON
This is known as the Summer Holidays, when players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch and putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until everyone reckons it is as boring playing it as it is watching
it.
DURATION
While the professional game limits itself to 90 minutes (or often longer
if Manchester United are losing), the primary school game, particularly
during the close-season can last significantly longer.
It is not unknown for a game to kick off at 9am on a Saturday morning and not finish until 9pm the same night. During this period, players are allowed to leave the playing field as "me mum's shouting me", or "who wants a drink of water" are considered suitable reasons for short-term substitutions.
The number of players during this period can, subsequently, change frequently, with new players turning up usually being allocated to the losing side, and should the game get too one-sided, then swapping the best players for the fat, podgy asthmatic ones is a routine occurance.
In spite of the game lasting up to twelve hours, the possibility of extra
time is available should the losing team be made up of the best fighters.
This culminates in the losing team eventually drawing level, otherwise
the game may last till midnight, and the shout of "next goal wins" being
heard.
The 'next goal wins' rule only applies, though, when it is achieved by the
previously quoted 'best fighters' team. Otherwise the extra time rule continues.
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