Joke: 25 Things that make you feel like a man!

[bstardchild]

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. One Handed with a pencil on the ear? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £500 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the lumber (or a 'quiet one with John Sams)but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you
didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? are you mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

[Si_GTi]

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

My dad has got one of those in the garage

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

the majority of phone calls made from my mobile are like this

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.

Ahh, yes. Parallel parking. In the Mini, no problem, first time, etc etc. In the Polo? Not a chance. Don't want to risk kerbing those BBS rims!!

[Tahrey1043]

Things that make you not feel like a man:
trying to down half a pint and almost choking to death

[carmadaaron]

he he !

[Rhodey]

PMSL there pretty funny!

[Tahrey1043]

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE
20, PARALLEL PARKING
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT

3. anyone remember playing croppin' football at school? who cares about goals - the one who causes the most injury wins
9. and farting uncontrollably, producing odours that dont even smell like fart
14. yep bring on the PIIIIES
19. unless its a parent/mate you havent seen for six months of course, when up to 15 minutes are allowed. so long as it's them calling you. otherwise 90 seconds spent on the blower is 30 seconds you could have been doing something else.
20. especially when the gap proves to be only 18 inches longer than the car.
21. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yep

(or a 'quiet one with John Sams)

what?

[GroovyCarrot]

Something that makes me feel less like a man:
Having a quiet drink with my mates on a bridge, standing up, turning
round, walking straight off the bridge to a cheer of mocking laughter

Something to compensate for that:
Getting a lift home, still dripping wet, with a mate who's just passed his test, piling 4 people onto the back seat of his fiesta, grounding it over a hump bridge at 50 Silly sod...