DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In themorning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.
Tip's of the day...
-
ModifiedMadness
- Sponsor
- Posts: 6769
- Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2005 8:38 pm
- Location: Bedford Drives: MK5 Golf R32
-
Tahrey1043
- Bling Bling Diamond Member
- Posts: 5184
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 1:15 am
- Location: Birmingham! Enjoys: The pseudo-G-Smiles provided by a 1.6 Megane Sport valver...
- Contact:
words i try to live by! 
i got another helpful one... save time when listening to your old LPs, by switching the turntable to 45rpm!
its a proper viz tip, but i actually did this as a kid to get more tunes on one tape and then adjusted the motor potentiometer in my broken-up old walkman to make it run slower!
i got another helpful one... save time when listening to your old LPs, by switching the turntable to 45rpm!
its a proper viz tip, but i actually did this as a kid to get more tunes on one tape and then adjusted the motor potentiometer in my broken-up old walkman to make it run slower!
-
mysteryboy
- Bling Bling Diamond Member
- Posts: 2673
- Joined: Sat Jul 02, 2005 11:46 pm
- Location: London Drives: MK4 8V Hates: Speed Bumps
- Contact:
-
Tahrey1043
- Bling Bling Diamond Member
- Posts: 5184
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 1:15 am
- Location: Birmingham! Enjoys: The pseudo-G-Smiles provided by a 1.6 Megane Sport valver...
- Contact:
Some good roadgoing ones from a best-of list i found
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.
HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT f***ing one.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
(can you tell how old these are yet?)
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.
PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
not to mention
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears and under your fingernails, talking gibberish and singing all the time, pausing only to occasionally set fire to someone else's house.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in the first place, you fat b*stards.
(buy carrots instead - just as satisfying and better for your teeth
)
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escape.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
and finally
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.
HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT f***ing one.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
(can you tell how old these are yet?)
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.
PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
not to mention
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears and under your fingernails, talking gibberish and singing all the time, pausing only to occasionally set fire to someone else's house.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in the first place, you fat b*stards.
(buy carrots instead - just as satisfying and better for your teeth
)OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escape.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
and finally
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.